A year ago I would have thought this title was ridiculous. Why would anyone want to be content with confusion? That either implies laziness or mayhem, neither of which holds much appeal. But, after a year of work on myself, I’ve learned that being content with why things happen and why people say and do what they say and do is a really good place to be.
I mean, really. What’s the alternative? Well, actually, I know the answer to that one because I’ve practiced it for years. Maybe you know the answer, too. In a word: over-thinking. Okay, one more: obsessing. See, being an intellectual (and I don’t mean in a I’m-pretty-darn-smart way, it’s just that is one gift I have which means I process by thinking and make sense of things by thinking.) I need to turn an issue over and over like a die. All issues have multiple sides and I like to think about all of them. That’s just plain necessary as a teacher, but as a friend, mom, employee…it can drive me nuts and lead to some pretty big insecurities.
I had to learn slowly over the course of last year and I’m still learning, but at least now I know my goal: to not need to know. I can accept that how I feel about and perceive something can be different than how someone else feels and perceives something and both are okay. I don’t have to lose sleep over it, talk about it, turn it over and over in my mind. Jesus promises us peace but sometimes we hold it at arm’s length because we think if we just figure something out, we’ll be illuminated. It sure seems right some days. Well, it doesn’t always work like that.
So my goals are changing. Sometimes what feels right and what is real are two different things. Often times we don’t know enough of a situation to attribute meanings to it so we might as well relax. So this year, maybe I can write a new script and find a healthier way to think and respond. That means more time to think about what is good, pure, lovely and true: like my dear husband, my ever-busy children, my fun students, and a luscious cake or two.